Behind the Tears
*Edit 26.06.17: My results have been downgraded! Click here to read my latest post 🙂
Having a child is the best distraction from coming to grips with the reality that I have cancer.
It’s easy to dismiss my emotions when I have so much to focus on.
People often say to me;
“You’re so strong.”
“You’re so brave”.
“You’re coping so well”.
And I know I am all those things. But does that mean that if I do break down, I’m not as strong as people might think?
I’m a survivor.
I like to take on life’s challenges and show them I’m not going to bow down. I’m going to get through this. As far as I’m concerned, there’s no other way.
But I am only human.
I have my bad days and that’s when I turn to writing. Writing is my gift and music is my therapy. It’s how I get lost. How I let my thoughts take over.
There are times when I write, and as my fingers hit the keyboard I watch the screen morph into a cloudy haze. Tears start to fall and I let them.
The pit of my stomach feels heavy. It’s a feeling I’ve become accustomed to over the past few weeks.
“She’s so strong”, they say.
“She’s an inspiration”, I hear.
Today, I’m acknowledging my emotions. By feeling them, I can let then go. I’ve learned how to process these types of feelings. Years’ worth of pain will do that.
If I bottle them up, I become numb. Cold. Almost in-humane.
I don’t need a shoulder to cry on. I need to be alone.
I feel empty.
I feel scared.
I feel dark.
That’s when my phone rings. It’s my husband and I have to mute it. I never do this to him but I know I can’t talk. I don’t even know what words would slip off my tongue.
So I take a deep breath and I close my eyes. I feel the sunshine pouring in through the window. I feel it’s warmth and that’s when I know, it’s going to be okay.
I’m going to be okay.
I’m a survivor.
That’s why I’ll be okay.