I Can’t Believe I’m Actually Pregnant!

Call me a pessimist but I honestly never thought I would fall pregnant quickly.

I’ve been on the contraceptive pill since the age of fifteen, and as I approach the big 3-0 I’m pretty worried that I’m going to have difficulty getting pregnant.

All these years I have tried my damnedest not to fall pregnant and here I am, worried I might not be able to. I’ve been lucky to never have a pregnancy scare, there’s been one time where my period decided to take a month off but that was it.

However, let’s be honest – society is a bit of a bitch when you’re a woman. Nearing thirty you start to conjure up all sorts of fears. Even though I’m theoretically only turning one more year older it feels as though I’m entering another dimension, one of oncoming old age, and pregnancy health concerns.

It also doesn’t help when I’ve had numerous friends have had trouble conceiving, some taking years, several having miscarriages, and others falling pregnant between the six months to one year mark.

My husband Jono (who I shall refer to as hubby, let’s face it I’m 29 and husband makes me feel old), and I have been together for two and a half years. I guess most people would say that’s a relatively short time for how quickly our relationship has progressed.

We met just before Christmas in 2012 through mutual friends. A few months later we were living together, and the following Christmas Jono proposed. I was ecstatic, he is my best friend and my soul mate all wrapped up in one. The following November (2014) we were married in a quaint setting up north in Kerikeri, four hours from our hometown. We had a magical day with a close group of fifty people.

Since then, we have been continuing to renovate our home and have been discussing having a baby.

I’ve never been into kids (my friends and family would be the first to agree), yet as maturity progresses and I’ve found someone who I actually want to have children with, it amazes me how quickly the tables turn. It’s to the point where it’s all I think about, that mind-consuming stuff where you start to feel like a crazy woman because all you want is to hear the little pitter patter of feet. I try my hardest not to overwhelm my hubby with my parenting thoughts as it’s not fair on him, and I never want to be “that” wife that pressured her husband into having a child.

During our honeymoon we discussed starting to try this coming June/July and although I’d love to start sooner, that’s a fair compromise.

Most of our close friends have children and we have one particular couple that we’ve always joked with a hint of seriousness, that we’d love to have children around the same time as them. How cool would it be to have your close friends and their children grow with yours?

Towards the end of April we discovered that our close friends were pregnant. We were over the moon for them, they’d had a good run and conceived within six months – not bad for their first conception I thought. I joked to hubby and asked him “Does that mean we can try now?” and he said “Sure, why not?”. I thought this had to be too good to be true, but true to his word hubby said it might be a good idea to come off the pill and go from there. That was on the 26th of April 2015.

I was excited… truthfully I was far too excited as I decided to stop my pill then and there, mid-way through my pill packet. Probably not the smartest thing as this would mean that I would have trouble trying to work out when my last period was and when the next would begin. Two days later on the 28th of April, I got my period. I thought it was really strange and decided not to over think it too much, it was probably my body adjusting to coming off the contraceptives and let’s face it, the pill basically tells your body when to have a period. I made sure I kept a diary of the days I had the period and it only lasted a total of three days, the last being the 30th of April.

Again, you need to remember that I thought I would have difficulty getting pregnant. So I spoke to people, I listened to their difficulties, took on board their advice and suggestions, and my best friend told me about a great book; Sperm Meets Egg Plan (SMEP). I stocked up on ovulation kits, bought some early response pregnancy tests, and a digital pregnancy test – just to make sure I had all my basis covered. I went to the doctor, grabbed some folic acid and iodine, and had everything ready to go.

May rolled around, and although I was super keen to start trying and setting a “schedule” for getting pregnant, I couldn’t for the life of me work out when I was meant to be ovulating. My cycle was all over the show from my “mini-period” as I called it (my normal periods lasted five days instead of three), and I tried two ovulation tests to no avail. Since we were on the home stretch for completing our house renovation, I thought I might as well just chill out and wait until I got my next period. That way I could track things properly, and come to grips with when I was ovulating. Who knew I would never get to that stage?!

On Thursday the 28th of May, I started noticing how short of breath I was. Come to think of it, I needed to pee pretty regularly and I was certain I should be getting my period. I decided to take a pregnancy test, I was sure it would be a waste of time but hey they don’t cost much and I might as well. What have I got to lose? What if I AM pregnant? I doubt it, but….. Let’s just imagine.

I unwrapped the pregnancy test from the package of three (I like to make sure I’m fully prepared) and read through the instructions. Seems straight forward, pee on the stick or into a cup, give the stick five seconds with the liquid and then wait three to ten minutes and voila, the life changing moment could appear with two small pink lines. I choose the cup method, and went for it. Admittedly I was a little shaky and nervous, and I prayed it was positive. I crossed my fingers, and waited in my hallway.

Time passes pretty quickly, I walk into the bathroom, thinking it will be negative (hoping it’s not), and there are those two pink lines. It’s positive. Wholly shit, it’s positive? One line is faint, the other’s a strong, dark pink. I read the instructions again.

Apparently, there’s no maybe, I’m pregnant! I cry with tears of surreal happiness, I can’t believe it. Could this be wrong?

I don’t like chances, I want to make sure. I went off to get the digital pregnancy test. It’s a lot more money and I fear I might be wasting it, but again I say to myself, what if I am pregnant? I unwrap the test again, find a clean plastic cup and go for round two. I’m short on the old pee tank as I’ve used most of it for the previous test but I’m sure I have just enough to do this final test.

Again, I read the instructions and follow them to a tee, using the stopwatch on my phone to time it. And I wait. I wait and quietly say another prayer to myself. I’m not religious but times like this call for wishful thinking, and if someone big up there is listening to me, then I’ll put my wish out to them.

As I enter the bathroom, I’m even more nervous then before. The test shows an hourglass on the screen and I’m worried that the test is either a dud or I didn’t have enough urine to do the test properly. Minutes tick by and the damn hourglass remains. I’m certain I’ll need to go down to the pharmacy to purchase another one, and if that’s the case, so be it. I need to know.

I decided to take another peek at the test and time stills. All I can see are the words “Pregnant 1-2”. I don’t even know what the 1-2 means at this stage, and I don’t even care. It means I’m pregnant! I really must be pregnant! I’m crying, I’m shaking, and I’m yelling “Yes, yes, yes!” I am literally overjoyed with emotion, beaming and I can’t wait to tell Jono.

Those first few moments when the realisation kicks in are indescribable. I am so excited and all I want to do is call Jono and my mum straight away , however, know that news this special needs to be delivered in person. I tell myself that the first thing I need to do is organise an appointment to see my doctor tomorrow. Unfortunately, she’s not available so I book an appointment with another doctor for 2:30pm the next day.

As hubby is going away for the night to Napier, I decide to get in my car and drive to his work and tell him in person. It’s only then that it registers how terrible I look right at this moment so I quickly grab some black pants, a black tee shirt and my favourite red checked flannel. I throw some make up on my face (after all I do want to look semi decent for my hubby as this will be a life changing moment for him) and run out the door. Unluckily for me, Auckland traffic is starting to set in and the usual twenty minute drive takes a good forty minutes.

Jono can read me like a book, so I try my best to hide any form of emotion as I walk into his office. He’s on the phone talking to a customer and as I watch him I realise I’m about to change his life forever. I know this man, he will be happy with this news I’m sure, yet when I tell him his response is better than I could have imagined.

He hangs the phone up and looks at me, wondering if everything is okay. “Are you okay? You look like you’re going to cry?” he says. “Give me your hands” is all I reply. I hold them and then out come the words “We’re pregnant.” At this moment I’m standing and he’s sitting in his big leather chair. He wraps his arms around my waist and hugs me, quickly standing up and lifting my body off the floor, twirling me around all the time yelling what I can only describe as a garbled “woo-hoo”. He’s ecstatic, kissing the top of my head and saying what good news this is.

It’s a moment I’ll never forget.

Unfortunately, our time together is short as it’s nearing the end of Jono’s day and I know he has a million and one things to do before he leaves to go to Napier so I give him a kiss and retreat from his office. I decide to brave the traffic and make the commute out to my parents’ farm in Kawakawa Bay. It will take approximately one hour to reach their house so I decide to put some uplifting music on and sing my little heart out with happiness.

I’ve always imagined telling my parents that I’m pregnant. I really thought I’d be prepared for this moment, and thought I would have organised something corny in advance like a cake saying “you’re going to be grandparents” or a wee outfit with the words “hello nana and poppa” but I decide I’m far too excited and that my visit will just need to suffice.

As I approach the farm gates, my stomach is going into overdrive. If butterflies were really in my stomach, then they’d be doing somersaults right now. I take the slow drive up the winding metal driveway and once I reach the house I park and get out of the car. Entering the front door, I can tell Dad must be out on the farm somewhere and I decide I’ll wait till he gets inside to tell them both together.

That all changes when I see my Mum sitting in her favourite chair. “Hi darling, how are you?” she asks. “I’m good” I say. She too, knows me far too well. “Honey is everything alright? What’s wrong? Have you and Jono had a fight?” she says. It’s a fair point I guess, I’ve just turned up on a Thursday night, something I don’t often do. “No, nothing like that.” I reply. She’s not convinced. She pushes for more, I’m too excited and I give in. “I’m pregnant Mum.” I watch her face, it’s quite entertaining as it takes a few seconds for the news to set in. Her mouth drops, her eyes are wide, and she just keeps repeating “Oh my god, oh my god, are you really?!” I reply “Yes”  and a huge grin.

That second validation is all she needs, she’s smiling and the tears are coming. I give her a huge hug and she’s still in disbelief. “Have you told Jono?” she says, and I relay the past few hours to her. She’s smiling and I love the fact she’s overwhelmed with happiness, it’s one of the best feelings I’ve had.

Dad’s out riding on the farm and takes his time coming inside. Mum and I discuss how I’m going to break the news. She suggests telling him that soon we’ll have the pitter patter of little feet, however I know that Dad isn’t one to get criptic messages, I laugh and explain to Mum that I’m actually worried Dad won’t hear me when I tell him the news (he’s part deaf in one ear), so we both come to the conclusion that I will write him a note.

It might sound funny to most people , however, riting a reminder note is one of my Dad’s daily rituals. It seems fitting to me.

Just as I’m in the kitchen, scrawling on a piece of paper writing in large letters “I’m pregnant”, Dad bowls through the door. “Hello Sweetheart” he says. I walk over with the piece of paper in my hand and say “I have something to tell you.” He’s relaxed, he has no idea and says “What’s that?” I hold up the paper and watch his face. Again, disbelief.  He hugs me and I tell him more about the big news.

He too is happy, yet his reaction is very different, purely because I can see it hasn’t quite sunken in yet. It takes Dad a good fifteen minutes, then I catch him rubbing his eyes – the big softy has probably just shed a few happy tears.

It’s a pretty amazing feeling knowing that no only am I going to be a parent, I’ve just made these two Grandparents in an instant.

For the third time I sneak off to the bathroom (bloody pregnancy pee) and as I come back into the lounge I see Mum and Dad by the kitchen sink. They’re hugging each other, and Dad’s whispering in Mum’s ear “We’re going to be Grandparents!” It’s possibly one of the most beautiful and most precious moments I have ever witnessed.

The three of us enjoy a delicious dinner. Mum and Dad both keep mentioning how excited they are and also that we need to be careful and mindful that a lot can happen within the next few months.

That’s the scary part about pregnancy, not only is it a roller coaster of emotions, everything can change in an instance. I’m very aware that miscarriage happens to approximately one in four pregnant women and that’s not just a scary statistic, I’ve had at least four friends go through this. I don’t think anything can prepare you for a miscarriage, but I explain to my parents that if that does happen, I know it will be because something is not right with the baby and it’s not meant to be.

At least hubby and I know that we can indeed fall pregnant, we just have to cross our fingers and toes that this little peanut growing inside me is healthy and strong.

After a couple of hours I head home and decide that I should really find out what the 1-2 weeks on my digital pregnancy test. I read they instructions and they say that 1-2 means the number of weeks since conception, this means based on my last period I should be 3-4 weeks pregnant.

As I get ready for bed I text hubby and tell him I love him, his reply: “Love you too baby Muma. I’m so stoked.”

I close my eyes, smiling and thinking how lucky I am, I can’t believe I’m pregnant.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Kylie is a survivor. She’s endured events that no-one should have to experience. That’s why she wants to share her story; to help other women live beyond their pain so that they too can take control of their life, and live the life they deserve.

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