The Day I Lost Control of My Mind
*Note: This post is not for the faint-hearted and contains graphic content
I know my mind, and I know who I am.
I know that when I shut down, my emotions are telling me I’m not in a good space… that I can’t deal with what’s been put in front of me.
I know that my inner thoughts aren’t necessarily black and white and that sometimes my mind needs time out to recoup and recover.
I know I’m strong but strength isn’t always in the form of what we believe it is. To me, strength is being resilient. It’s rising again to live and love, even when you think you never will.
I know I’m not perfect. There are days when all I want to do is sink into an emotional pit of sorrow, but I pull myself out because I remind myself how lucky I am to be alive.
I know I am loved. I am incredibly blessed to have the most beautiful family that stand by and support me always.
But life wasn’t always like this.
There was a time when I had no idea who I was. I had no idea about the power of my mind. My mind wasn’t always my saviour. There were times when I felt it had failed me.
Like that time where I had a lost a part of me.
Where a life tragedy changed me.
I was numb. I isolated myself. I couldn’t cope.
I was just eighteen years old.
Home alone, I remember opening the garage door.
I saw a man.
He wore dark denim jeans and a navy sweatshirt.
His brown hair neatly brushed.
His head slumped forward, had a thick knot tied around his neck.
He had taken his own life.
Not a sound.
I can still remember this vivid image like it happened yesterday.
Is this a memory? Yes.
Was this an actual event? No.
No, this was an illusion. A hallucination of the mind.
A side effect of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).
I didn’t like labels. I didn’t want to be clinically depressed. I didn’t want to be diagnosed with anxiety. I didn’t want to have PTSD.
I thought I didn’t need help, but I did. I needed it in more ways than I ever realised. And because I didn’t seek help, these issues manifested later in other areas of my life.
The mind is a powerful thing.
Our minds can fail us when we least expect it. We are not conditioned to deal with all forms of trauma, so we shut down. Then we think we are going bonkers, losing the plot, and we feel alone. We cut ourselves off from the world, spiral into a deeper state of depression, and it gets harder to imagine a way out.
If you are suffering, or if you know of someone who is, please reach out.
There is always a way to move forward.